The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

(This was originally posted on my Facebook feed on 07-Mar-15, but as Film 4 is showing it at 2300 tonight - 19-Aug-15 - I thought it was worth revisiting it)

Many years ago way back in the dim and distant past (early 90s) I watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the GFT in Glasgow as part of their horror festival. Itwas an advance-tickets-only event, a rare uncertified movie, no advance advertising and the name of the movie being shown wasn't disclosed until the curtain pulled back, the lights dimmed and the movie unreeled ...

Now, Chainsaw had never been banned as such. It had a valid local council 'X' certificate (okay, from the GLC) but had not turned up on things like the DPP Section 3 list from the video nasties scare. But it had been refused a mainstream certificate and could only be shown on licence. Amazingly, Glasgow District Council - who only recently had banned Monty Python's Life Of Brian - allowed this one-off screening. And I was there.

Quick flash-forward to now, it all seems quaint. I made it my life's work to see and own everything on the DPP list (or had been de-facto banned by refusal of certification) which I accomplished and moved on. So it seems absurd to remember all the fuss back then, and how important I felt it was to be in the audience at that screening.

It seems even more absurd to relate how shaken I was afterwards. I went for a pint (of course) and was actually trembling. If you haven't seen Chainsaw then the last half-hour or so is just unrelenting. Not explicit - oh no, Chainsaw is quite tame when it comes to gorno - but gruelling. When Marilyn Burns died last year I was amazed she'd lived so long, let alone survived the filming (and please read up about how the movie was made - it makes The Abyss sound like a kindergarten day-trip).

Joe Bob Briggs - the famous fictional Texan drive-in critic - once commented that the definition of a good horror movie was "where anyone could die at any time". Chainsaw has that feeling. But it has more. It has a power beyond the celluloid. It hooks deep into our souls.

So seeing clips of it pop up into montages like this - and don't get me wrong, I LOVE a good movie montage - are slightly bittersweet. Sure, the current generation won't get movies like Chainsaw the way I did (just as I never "got" the movies my parents grew up with). Shorn of context, shorn of atmosphere, soundtracked with a modern hit and sandwiched in among movies who barely comprehend the very concept of story-telling ... it's a shame.

So I urge you to seek out Chainsaw. It's on DVD and Blu and maybe on one of those on-demand services that they have these days. Not the remake - that's garbage. The 1974 original. Mark Kermode witters on endlessly about The Exorcist being the greatest horror - scratch that, just the greatest - movie of all time; I disagree and would propose Chainsaw.

Full Summary of Fringe Binge 2015 Activities

Here's a collated list of all my reviews from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2015.

Tuesday 11th August 2015

1330 - Lunch at VDeep. Leith
1720 - Hardeep Singh Kohli: Big Mouth Strikes Again
2100 - Ed Byrne: Outside Looking In
2300 - Lili La Scala: Another Fucking Variety Show

Wednesday 12th August 2015

1415 - Stewart Lee: A Room With A Stew
1605 - Tiff Stevenson: Mad Man
1805 - Dillie Keane
2100 - Nina Conti: In Your Face
2300 - The Free Association

Thursday 13th August 2015

1310 - Best Of Edinburgh Showcase Show
1600 - Paul Merton's Impro Chums
1810 - Love Bites hosted by Alice Fraser
2130 - Aisling Bea: Plan Bea
2330 - The Best Of Burlesque

Friday 14th August 2015

0100 - Late'n'Live
1430 - The Notorious Mary Bourke
1625 - Katherine Ryan: Kathbum
1800 - The Best Of Irish Comedy
2000 - Jo Caulfield: Awkward Conversations
2145 - New Town Theatre Cabaret
2345 - The Stand Late Club

Saturday 15th August 2015

1700 - The Three Belles
1920 - Christina Bianco: Party Of One

Fringe Binge 2015 - Top Ten Shows

And because exactly no-one asked for it, here's the definitive, well-thought-through and never-to-be-revised Top Ten of shows wot I saw during Fringe Binge 2015. Cue Phil Lynott and "Yellow Pearl" ...

10) Jo Caulfield: Awkward Conversations
9) Lili La Scala : Another Fucking Variety Show
8) Nina Conti : In Your Face
7) Ed Byrne: Outside Looking In
6) The Three Belles at the New Town Theatre Cabaret & BBC Pink Tent Potter Row
5) Aisling Bea : Plan Bea
4) Stewart Lee : A Room With A Stew
3) Dillie Keane
2) Katherine Ryan : Kathbum
1) Christina Bianco : Party Of One

Fringe Binge 2015 - “Fantastic Festival Lunch at VDeep” on 11-Aug-15 at 1330

(This review was posted to Tripadvisor)

FULL DISCLOSURE - Hardeep Singh Kohli is a friend of mine so I was pre-disposed to like his new joint venue anyway. But I was very pleased to find that the food was just as wonderful as most reviews seem to suggest.

I had lunch there on 11-Aug-15 at the start of my holiday at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and a splendid way to start it was too. The place itself is a wee hike down Leith Walk (about a mile and a half) from Waverley - note that it's downhill on the way there from the centre of Edinburgh but if you're walking back to Princes Street the slope is more considerable than you might think (Top tip - take a bus).

The dining experience is very communal and, while it was quiet when I arrived at 1330, it's very busy at nights so booking is recommended. The staff I met were hugely pleasant, especially one chap who was more than happy to chat through all the craft beers they had on tap. VDeep has a phenomenal and constantly-changing rota of ales - I sampled five of them and while I can't claim they were all to my taste it was so pleasant to try a number of different flavours. Try one of the house ales - Vindabrew.

The food was brilliant. Unreservedly brilliant. I had the mutton achari, the house curry (which that day was a chicken, chick pea and coconut concoction), a chilli nan bread and white rice. The tastes were sublime - I don't recall ever having an Indian quite like that before. Not hot, but incredibly spiced and flavoured with the mutton in particular being so tender and juicy. Certainly not your average Tikka Masala ...

The dessert menu looked fascinating too but I was full so declined, choosing instead to end the meal with a suggested chocolate-flavoured IPA which was, yet again, an outstanding recommendation from the staff.

My only regret about my visit was I was on my own and had no-one to share it with.

Thoroughly recommended, and very reasonably priced too. Go there.

A fabulous Ale Sampler of three very interesting ales (the one at the far end is Vindabrew, the one nearest is a wheat beer, can't remember the middle one). Each glass is a third of a pint. Excellent idea ... 

The menu.

Far lest if a chilli nan, left is a mutton achari and right is the house curry which that day was a chicken, chick pea and coconut concoction, far right is a half-pint of another fine ale recommended by the staff (who were all very friendly and pleasant).

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #22 - Christina Bianco: Party Of One at the Spiegeltent Colombino, Assembly George Square Gardens, Edinburgh, 15-Aug-15 at 1920

I'm sure I must've heard of "YouTube sensation" Christina Bianco before this week but had no idea who she was when she turned up on the bill of Lili La Scala's variety show on Tuesday night. Suffice it to say she had won me over within about three seconds. She was doing her own show (PROTIP - everyone is) and as I had nothing booked for Saturday snapped up a ticket.

Her main selling point is her uncanny ability to impersonate just about any well-known female singer. She's small, looks a bit like Lucy Porter (if that helps) and for a wee wummin has the most incredibly powerful and compelling voice. Really, what a vocal range - rock, pop, opera, rap and, of course, torch-songs and showtunes. The format of the show is her talking through her life and influences, various digressions and working her way through an A - Z of impressions - all showcasing that incredible mimicry and simply awesome voice (she does a couple of numbers in her own voice too). And in case anyone has leapt ahead, for Q she did the Queen Of Pop (Madonna) and for X she did Xtina Aguilera.

What an incredible range and number of impressions she did. All the big ones were present and correct - Babs, Garland and Minnelli, Bassey, Celine Dion, Whitney, Dolly. Some very up-to-date ones - Ariana Grande, Jessie J, Iggy Azalea (which always sounds like a flower to me). Plenty of Brits - Amy Winehouse, Cheryl Cole, Keira Knightley and a frankly stunning Julie Andrews (Ms. Andrews really needs to record a version of Big Booty if Ms. Bianco's version is anything to go by). Plenty of comedy banter too, including a frankly hilarious sequence where Ms. Bianco read out extracts from Barbra Streisand's book "My Passion For Design" - hearing Babs' inane profundities read out in the style of Cheryl Cole was really rather funny (sidenote - an audience member in the front row had brought along his copy of the book. I'm not suggest that chap was gay but he was camper than Butlins ...).

I was in the third row and the place was packed. It was a superb gig and showcase for Ms. Bianco. I've never seen so many middle-aged and elderly men shedding stoic emotional tears (I count myself among them and yep, my cheeks were moist. FACE cheeks, you sicko) - the place nearly passed out choking back emotion when she struck up the opening of "The Way We Were". There were two standing ovations and I've never seen that at a Fringe gig before - she deserved even more; she was absolutely sensational.

As we all filed out, middle-aged men everywhere blowing their noses and rubbing their eyes, I realised two quite profound things: the first was sudden clarity about show-business, show-tunes, gender identity and a particular song in Rocky Horror - I'm still mulling that over as it might be worth a separate post; the second was that my late Dad would've absolutely loved this show. I hope he saw it.

Please check her out. A huge talent, and easily my favourite show of Fringe Binge 2015.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #21 - The Three Belles at the Pink Tent, BBC Potter Row, Edinburgh, 15-Aug-15 at 1700

A morning tweet alerted me to the fact that The Three Belles were playing a free set at 1700 in the BBC Pink Tent on the BBC site at Potter Row. Having been blown away by them the previous night, and not having anything scheduled until the evening, I was rather pleased to see The Belles for the second time in 18 hours. And yes, I was thinking it was a chance to redeem myself after my bottle so spectacularly crashing the previous night.

The venue is, quite literally, an open pink tent. Potter Row is the BBC's HQ for the Festival and the outside is free to enter (there's a second much bigger tent on-site where the radio and TV broadcasts and ticketed events are held). IMPORTANT NOTE - the Pink Tent is somewhat open to the elements; this is a pertinent detail for later.

Anyway, I got there about 40 minutes before the girls were due on, bought a pint and settled down (seat in front row of course). There was a nice old couple sitting next to me and we exchanged some polite small talk. All very pleasant.

The Belles arrived about 15 minutes before the start with a BBC runner. They milled around the stage chatting to various families who came up to them, especially wee girls who were fascinated with the Belles' 40s outfits. I remained apart and aloof, partly because I was terrified and partly because the last thing any act would want before they were due on-stage would be me looming up over them and clumsily introducing himself.

A bunch of mostly well-behaved small children plonked themselves in front of the stage and we were off.

The Belles were, need I say, marvellous with beautiful voices, superb harmonies, great engaging stage personalities, nice banter with the audience ... and, of course, looking sensational helps. They played a half hour set with eight songs - two more than the previous night (additions were "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" and "Hold Tight (Want Some Seafood Mama)" which I always thought was absolutely dripping in innuendo but no, apparently it IS about fish). The girls have also added some dance steps to their repertoire since last year, including some nifty 20s flapper footwork.

All too soon the gig was up. The girls had brought some CDs and I fully intended this time to introduce myself, buy a couple, ask them to sign them and get that elusve selfie. However this time it wasn't my bottle that crashed. Remember the mention earlier of how open to the elements the tent was ... well, my Raynaud's had kicked in half-way through IN THE MIDDLE OF BLOODY AUGUST. I could barely get my fingers to open a pocket, let alone fumble out a wallet and hand over cash (and as for shaking hands I didn't want to give the poor girls hypothermia). So I concluded I had to get indoors fast and made my exit. Which was a real shame as I did want to meet them. Hey ho, maybe next year. They gig mostly around the south of England so you should go and see them if you can - they're fab.

Finally, after their first song the nice old woman noticed my enthusiastic applause, leaned over and asked, "Is one of them your girlfriend?". I was taken aback and assumed she was taking the piss, but she seemed sincere. Clearly senile, poor auld dear. "No," I replied. "I wish ..." I posted that wee anecdote last night as I was amused by it and received two wonderful responses. Eric Spencer suggested at least she didn't ask, "Is one of them your daughter?". But Gordon MacDonald won the internet with his suggestion of how I should've replied - Mikey pauses, takes a sip of his beer and looks her in the eye, "No ma'am, they all are."

The Big Pink Tent at the BBC Festival Site at Potter Row. It is aptly named ...

*squeal* It's the Belles! Literally within touching distance ...

The girls doing their thing.

And still doing their thing.

The BBC runner accompanying the girls was sporting a natty line in elbow-patched tweed jackets.

Dorothy is not looking angrily at me. Oh no ...

The girls having a pre-gig conflab.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #20 - The Stand Late Club at Stand 1, The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, 14-Aug-15 at 2345

Another late addition to the schedule, added after I saw a tweet listing the line-up. Now, that line-up changed (Tiff Stevenson was in the original line-up which made me part with the hard-earned) but still had some names I recognised (not least a certain Mr. Vegas).

Late at night and flagging I plopped into a seat (place was heaving already when I got there a half hour before the start but being alone I can plonk down on any spare seat going). Show was late starting but everyone around me seemed to be having fun so no big deal.

The show was compèred by Stu Murphy and featured Neel Kolhatkar, Dana Alexander, Johnny Vegas and Craig Campbell.

Our host, Mr. Murphy, is a big chap and was loud, forceful and hugely funny. He did the usual - asked who was here, any Scots in, any English, any Irish, anyone from Europe, from further afield, etc. He was slightly discombobulated to learn the most exotic nationality in that night was a young woman from Belgium - no Yanks or Aussies for example, which is very strange. Murphy was good value throughout.

First performer was Indian/Australian Neel Kohatkar. Lots of very funny racial stereotypes stuff, which being of Indian descent he could cheerfully get away with, some gay marriage stuff (very big topic this year with only one acceptable opinion allowed) and much neat observational material. All very nice and he had a good presence but quite forgettable really.

Next up (after an extended interval to allow the audience to be violated by the bar staff, though tbf The Stand wasn't as horrendously priced as other venues) was Dana Alexander, a black female comic now living in Birmingham (UK, not US). I mention "black" and "female" because that was pretty much her whole routine. Which was fine as she had a great presence and was genuinely funny. But I felt she relied a little too much on "you go girlfriend" type sterotypes. Again, which is fine. A clearly talented comedian, I just felt she was coasting a little. YMMV ...

Third up was Johnny Vegas and quite the set it was too. If you've seen any of his stand-up work over the last couple of decades then you've seen this. Quite the most wonderful (and occasionally disturbing) drunken ranting (I'm assuming this was part of the act, which was very convincing). A lot about "that fucking monkey", selling out for "the big PG Tips monkey" then the monkey abandoning him and moving on to bigger things. The whole thing climaxed with a long surreal rant about him trying to get revenge on an old woman walking her dog in the park by capturing a swan with his belt but I'm not sure I was following the anecdote properly by this point. He massively over-ran his time and practically had to be dragged off the stage before he could get to the punchline. Which he then used as a punchline while insulting us all to huge applause. I wasn't sure whether I had watched a carefully honed and brilliantly acted comedy caricature or an ongoing physical and mental breakdown. But it was quite the way to end the night (Craig Campbell was the final act but I chose this point to exit stage-left).

All in all two good acts, an excellent host and a stunning (in so many ways) performance from Vegas. So not a bad way to end a long day of ups and downs.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #19 - New Town Theatre Cabaret at Mysterious, New Town Theatre, Edinburgh, 14-Aug-15 at 2145

This was a late addition to my itinerary, only added in the morning as I saw a tweet regarding the line up. As you might guess it was a compilation show featuring three acts - the first was an African vocal / guitar group called The Freetown Collective, the second a certain female vocal group called The Three Belles and the third an act I shamefully neither stayed for nor can remember her name.

First up was The Freetown Collective, featuring three incredible female singers, a male vocalist with a guitar and Rasta hat and a dreadlocked rhythm guitarist. Their sound was, umm, rather popular-African I s'pose. All original songs as far as I could tell. What a lovely noise - incredible harmonies from the women and, in a better venue with a bigger crowd it could've generated quite an atmosphere. The women were also very easy on the eye (hey, they were right in front of me and I couldn't help noticing). Excellent entertainment - they're on that Facebook and Instagram that they have these days.

There was then an interval where I was thoroughly ripped off for a glass of wine. And then the reason why I was there and had changed my plans - The Three Belles.

I've been following the adventures of the girls for a few years now and I saw them at the Fringe last year in their saucy London Life show (FULL DISCLOSURE - I contributed to the funding of that show). I like them (yes, I know that makes me sound like some kind of creepy stalker). So, as I was milling about the foyer before the show I was surprised when Betty, Gail and Dorothy appeared in costume and started chatting to the folks. Clearly this was a chance to say hello, introduce myself and ask for a cheeky wee selfie ("Hi! It's nice to finally meet the Belles! My name's Michael"). Instead my stomach dropped alarmingly and I slunk off to one side pretending not to recognise them (thus making me look like an even bigger pervert). Very discombobulating - it's been a while since I've had that panicked reaction (probably the last time I considered approaching a girl).

The Belles were brilliant, as they always are. They performed six songs, starting with In The Mood and ending with Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend. During the set they were pimping their CD (fair enough, it's the Fringe) and said they'd be around at the end of the gig to sell copies, sign them and meet the audience. "Great!" I thought, "A chance to finally meet the Belles and get some signed merchandise to rival McGeeney and Stewart's Ortega merch. Maybe even that cheeky wee selfie!" So OF COURSE I bottled it and left after their set. In my defence I DID have another gig to get to. Needless to say I felt like such a pathetic old fool walking back from the New Town Theatre to The Stand. Idiot.

Ho hum ...

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #18 - Jo Caulfield: Awkward Conversations at Stand 1, The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, 14-Aug-15 at 2000

I'm a big fan of Ms. Caulfield so I was looking forward to this. Maybe not as much as Katherine Ryan or Aisling Bea but up there. And she didn't disappoint. Came across exactly as she does on telly and the various routines on YouTube - a hugely engaging and interesting woman, very funny and great timing. Even if the venue IS SHITE (sorry, really not a fan of the main Stand Comedy Club venue).

Much of the routine focused on either "stuff my friends have done" (internet dating in general mainly) or "shit my husband does/says" - so most is relatively safe (though that makes the occasional zinger and sharp comment land all-the-more effectively I suppose).

After a brief introductory chat about moving to Leith and the mandatory bit about Scottish weather and wreaking havoc to one's hair she mused sometimes it would be nice to be bald and just wake up in the morning, have a quick wash and go. She then pointed me out and said, "Except for you Sir. That spotlight is doing you no favours." Pertinent and right ...

Anyway, lots of good anecdotes and general ramblings around various "awkward conversations". Funniest was a tale set around the previous Christmas. She had been working away for weeks and was only home for a couple of days (having to visit the in-laws in Aberdeen during her brief return home) before she headed back on the road again for Hogmanay gigs. Emotionally frazzled and exhausted after returning from the in-laws her husband said to her, "Honey, we need to talk" at which she assumed the worst and launched into a monologue about how she didn't want to break up but if he did then they would, they would do it amicably, it would be a wrench but maybe for the best and they would still remain friends, etc. etc. He replied "I wanted to talk about your birthday and what you wanted to do for it given how much you're on the road." At which she asked the female audience what they thought she did to get out of that situation. The female audience shouted out near-unanimously "Cry!". Apart from three drunk women in front of me who all shouted out "Blowjob!". Cry it was. The pay-off to the joke was that since then the husband keeps bringing it up every now and then - at a recent big shop she was buying the usual supplies; she picked up a large pack of loo rolls to which her husband quipped "TWELVE rolls? Do you think we'll stay together long enough to use them?"

Anyway, I thought it was funny.

Very funny lady and could quite happily listen to her for hours.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #17 - The Best Of Irish Comedy at Stand 3, The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, 14-Aug-15 at 1800

Just as it sounds, this was a compilation show hosted and featuring folks with their own shows and were Irish (tho' most were Norn Irish so I'm not sure if this contravenes some comedy labelling and/or misrepresentation legislation).

The show was compèred by Martin Mor and featured Elaine Malcolmson, Ryan Collins and Jarlath Regan (I hadn't heard of any of them).

Mr. Mor was big and loud and had an enormous beard. Most importantly he was extremely engaging and funny - so much so that he slightly over-shadowed the other three performers. But a very funny chap (and in his 50s too! Yay for older comics!).

First up was Elaine Malcolmson. She seemed very nervous and, certainly compared to the compère, slightly hesitant but she soon got into the swing of things. I can't remember much about the contents of her set but her delivery was straight-faced and deadpan and her timing was spot-on. Good but not great.

Second up was Ryan Collins (I think - tbf I didn't quite catch the name and he wasn't flyering afterwards). Another dead-pan comic his material was much more misanthropic and all the better for it. But again, slightly over-shadowed by the larger-than-life Mr. Mor.

There was then a 10-minute interval. In a 1-hour show. Where we were encouraged to buy drinks. Now, I know venues need the cash but this just seemed like blatant milking to me ...

Last up was Jarlath Regan, the headline act (apparently). He was however much slicker than the others and while I may not know of him it was clear he was higher-up the comedy ladder than the first two. Slick, funny, good material if pretty safe (mostly focusing around those Fringe comedy staples of moving to London, getting married, shit your partner says/does, having kids). Nice bit at the end about getting older and trying to get fit - he talked about Boot Camp fitness training (which I certainly know about) and shared a couple of good anecdotes, leading to the nice line "how bad is the obesity crisis that we need to get the army in?"

All in all a good show and nice to see a number of new (to me) people. Not hugely memorable, but pleasant enough.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #16 - Katherine Ryan: Kathbum at Stand 3, The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, 14-Aug-15 at 1625

One of the big ones for me (along with Aisling Bea) and to cut to the chase SHE WAS FABULOUS. Not often I go to a gig and come away genuinely satisfied - she was everything I wanted. Most importantly she was very very funny.

There were two main themes in the show: building up to be her younger sister's bridesmaid (Maid Of Honor in Canada) later this year back in her home town; a throwaway comment on Scenes You Wouldn't See on Mock The Week earlier this year about children being used as slave labour in the fashion industry (she used Philippino children as an example in her comment). These two themes were brought together rather splendidly right at the end in a great pay-off (oddly touching too).

Plenty of other good tales - one of her "things" is mocking celebs and Cheryl Cole didn't come out of it well. Neither did Peter Andre. Another highlight was getting audience members to read out tweets she had received (what did comedians do for material before Twitter?) leading to the nice line about how little she cares about online trolling, "I've long since run out of fucks to give". One poor audience member who read out a tweet revealed he was a meteorologist, leading to a splendid rant about Scottish weather (hardly a unique topic in the Fringe but Ms. Ryan did it well). She touched on all her normal topics too - dating; shit her daughter says and does (a good tale about taking a clearly-deceased rabbit to the vets because she didn't have the courage to tell her daughter about death; ripping her sister's friends apart back in her hometown ("would you rather be skinny or smart?"); a splendid insult about Jordan (the person, not the country); plenty others.

I'd have happily listened to her all night. Sadly she only had an hour. She fab.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #15 - The Notorious Mary Bourke at Stand 5, The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, 14-Aug-15 at 1430

I hadn't heard of Ms. Bourke before so this was a bit of a punt (which is the point of the Fringe I guess).

The gig didn't get off to a great start. She asked if anyone had seen her before ... tumbleweed. She turned to me and asked, "You sir, why are you here?" I replied, "Well, to be honest, I was looking for a show before Katherine Ryan and this sounded interesting." I think I genuinely discombobulated her with that one ...

Anyway, really glad I came because she's a hugely funny and very smart woman. Self-styled as Ireland's only 45 year-old housewife/rapper The Notorious MJB, her routine is based considerably (though by no means exclusively) on the juxtaposition between her age and life, and her deep love for gangsta rap (as I believe the kids call it) - most revolve around her "10 Commandments Of Rap" which she recorded and played throughout (as well as plenty of other musical snippets), using each as a springboard for anecdotes, musings and observations - including many pithy comments about the absurdity and misogyny of many of the lyrics (there was a section where she read out lyrics and we had to decide if they were hers or from a song - I had the deciding vote as the pink-hat wearing Pimp Daddy - long story). It all culminated in a very impressive rap about passive/aggressive behaviour. Look, it was all an awful lot funnier than it sounds.

Some excellent tales and one-liners including a piece about the sell-out and commoditisation of Jay-Z and Beyoncé plus an intriguing story about Dr Dre and the serial numbers of Beats products which I'd never heard.

Lots of good lines and zingers - my favourite was her description of a diva ("a cunt who hasn't left the room") but loads of other good stories: cooking with Coolio; kids on the bus and "Yo momma" gags; playing a feminist gig in Brighton; plenty of others.

She mentioned several of her routines are on YouTube and that, as a female comic, the general tone of comments was either "she's funny but I wouldn't fuck her" or "I'd fuck her but she isn't funny". In a great example of me completely missing the point my immediate thought was "can't she be both?"

A very funny lady, very clever and talented and a good start to a long day ...

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #14 - Late'n'Live at the Debating Hall, Gilded Balloon, Edinburgh, 14-Aug-15 at 0100

I would add a review here but at this point I was seriously flagging. I got to the Gilded Balloon about 0045 - they'd chalked up the all-night line-up outside and I didn't see any name I recognised but had come this far and might as well plough on. The place was still full and stuffed to the gunnels with couples, friends, groups all having a great time.

So I trooped wearily into the Gilded Balloon and found my way into the venue (the Debating Hall). At the front there were a number of tables then rows and rows of seats. As I sat down in a seat I was forcibly struck (as I have been throughout this Fringe) that EVERYONE was in a group - couples everywhere of course (and it was late so lots of Public Displays Of Affection which I'm not at all approving of ... unless it involves me) but male friends, female friends, mixed friends with more and more piling in as the gig was about to start.

Sick to my stomach with my own company I snapped and walked out (earning confused looks from a couple of the ushers and venue staff - I mumbled "I'll be back" but they were probably relieved the old, bald solo guy was going).

Things were winding down in Edinburgh as I walked back to Princes Street (plenty of pockets of all-night activity still of course) but it was a rather melancholy and lonely end to Day 3 ...

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #13 - The Best Of Burlesque at the Speigeltent Colombino, Assembly George Square Gardens, Edinburgh, 13-Aug-15 at 2330

This was a compilation show hosted and very funnily compèred by Ms. Natasha Kalashnikov (I'm guessing that might be a stage name). This evening's show featured five rather splendid women, two men (the first a fire-eater, the second a chap with a puppet which I'll get to later) and a husband-and-wife team with the (very substantial) wife being a jazz singer with the husband's contribution being his trousers falling down.

A quick bit about burlesque - it's not a strip show (that's tomorrow) but a risqué variety show. Sure there's lots of over-the-top camp glamour and loads of flesh (no full nudity - nipple tassels and g-strings are the order of the day and that goes for the men too) but it's all raucously tasteful and inclusive (audience was 60/40 men/women I'd say). Okay I may be trying to over-rationalise here but I'd never been to one and wanted to see ...

The women were all rather wonderful. I can't remember all their names sadly but two stuck out - a Scottish one (well, she was introduced as such - she could have been any nationality) called Whisky Fox and a stunning statuesque platinum blonde called Isabella Bliss. All very nicely done in the best possible taste if, at times, I felt I was in the Titty Twister in From Dusk Til Dawn (in a good way).

Just to prove it's not all glam burdz in corsets and heels there were a couple of male acts. The first was a fire-eater who insisted on stripping (to the aforementioned tassels and thong) then, well, eating fire which I'm sure is a very demanding thing to master but ironically leaves me cold. The second was a skinny wiry bloke with a kookaburra hand-puppet who was memorably introduced to the audience by Ms. Kalashnikov with the line, "Who's ready for some bird-on-human analingus?". Started slowly but did indeed build to such a climax.

The singer I didn't care for much. She looked a bit like Divine (and her name is Fat Man D) but had a good voice. Then her "husband" popped up and his trousers fell down. Odd.

Anyway, a thoroughly enjoyable show very ably anchored by the funny and sexy explosion-in-a-showgirls-costume-factory Ms. Kalashnikov. A nice and raunchy change of pace.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #12 - Aisling Bea: Plan Bea at the Dining Room, Gilded Balloon, Edinburgh, 13-Aug-15 at 2130

I documented my love for Ms. Bea on last night's review of The Free Association gig as well as elsewhere on Facebook so I won't belabour the point. Suffice it to say I like her a lot so was really looking forward to this ... hers were the first tickets I bought for this year's Fringe.

Shuffling in with the crowd at the start there was a strange masked woman in a tight onesie dancing "interpretively" to an extended mix of "I See You Baby (Shaking That Ass)". As I passed a few feet from her I resisted the urge to say, "Hi Aisling! Looking good!" I was hardly the only one to recognise her through the costume. And so it turned out. Yay for me. Fair credit to her for having the balls to do it and for so long ...

Anyway, into the gig proper. And it was very funny. She's a funny woman, very engaging and not at all backward in making herself look an arse ("I'm a tart for a laugh!" as she's said previously). Majority all-new material as far as I could tell. Including a very funny bit about her first job after drama school - as a pirate wench in a rock video (which she showed at the end - her part didn't seem that bad to me).

The venue was awful and I was terribly cramped in (feeling very self-conscious as usual that I was negatively impacting everyone around me, especially the poor American lass in front who had to put up with my huge knees in her back). But Ms. Bea was good and we all had a huge laugh. She's excellent and you should go and see her.

CELEB WATCH - In the audience were Clive Anderson (unshaven and scruffy), Arthur Smith (taller than I imagined) and Mickey Flanagan (baseball cap, shorts). None of them recognised me.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #11 - Love Bites, hosted by Alice Fraser, at the Gothic Room, The Three Sisters, Edinburgh, 13-Aug-15 at 1810

This was a panel-format show where the delightful Aussie comic Alice Fraser chaired a discussion with three friends (two girls and a boy, two of whom have their own Fringe shows - I'll get to one later) about love, boyfs/girlfs, relationships and shagging. Basically nothing I know anything about so this was something of an investigative field trip. Questions and topics were harvested from Ms. Fraser's Love Bites Facebook page, stuff in the news and anything that pops up.

We were in a small venue and there weren't many of us (say, around thirty). And the show was a bit rubbish to be honest. With little to go on from us, and atmosphere somewhat lacking, the whole thing felt a bit laboured. The two girls in particular weren't particularly engaging (one of whom has her own show - I'm not rushing to that one) and my own particular nemesis who has spoiled so many events, shows and gigs for me over the years, DrunkScottishWoman, was sadly sitting a couple of seats from me (though that was hardly Ms. Fraser's fault).

The whole thing kinda meandered and then fell on its arse. Which was a shame. So to fill the remaining time Ms. Fraser asked the boy on the panel if he would do a freestyle rap (yeah, really). As it turns out the (posh, white) chap on the panel is called Chris Turner, he has his own Fringe show and freestyle rap is very much his thing. So he called out for five topics from the audience, dropped the (virtual) needle on some phat beatz (as I believe da kidz say) and proceeded to perform a hugely impressive, very clever and tongue-twisting rap about nihilism, snorkelling, Gary Glitter, democracy and gothic architecture.

A splendid ending to what had been my first proper Fringe disappointment.

FULL DISCLOSURE - This show was part of the city-wide Free Festival (The Three Sisters complex in Cowgate renames itself the Free Sisters) and while it doesn't cost to get in you are expected to make a contribution at the end. Which I did - hey, the show may have been disappointing but Ms. Fraser was rather splendid and I was a tad annoyed I couldn't stay for her solo show which started 20 minutes after this one. Alice Fraser is definitely a talent to watch out for ...

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #10 - Paul Merton's Impro Chums at The Grand, Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh, 13-Aug-15 at1600

One of the "big" names at the Fringe this was an improv show (duh!) featuring Merton and a troupe of fellow performers - Richard Vranch, Lee Simpson, Suki Webster and Mike McShane.

If you watched "Whose Line Is It Anyway" thirty-odd years ago then you know the format. The audience shout out stuff - scenarios, words, movie and theatre styles, etc - and the players make stuff up. And that was exactly what they proceeded to do. All that was missing was Clive Anderson (I bumped into him later).

That was both the strength and weakness of the show. It had all been done decades previously by largely the same people. Fine, it's amusing trying to watch the players act to Merton to convey his character is a person who adds "Sushi Chef" designer labels to Agatha Christie's spectacles in Legoland. But it all felt comfortable and nostalgic to me - Merton was exactly the same as he was all those years ago (if older and a bit rougher 'round the edges - hey, aren't we all?) and as he still grumpily is on "Have I Got News For You"; Richard Vranch hasn't changed (not too much music in the show however - no Josie Lawrence I guess); Mike McShane was brilliant if looking rather elderly, frail and ill.

So, good pleasant fun. But, for me, just a bunch of well-heeled pros running through their nostalgic stuff one more time. Audience loved it and it was great to see the likes of Merton in the flesh. But overall a bit meh ...

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #9 - Best Of Edinburgh Showcase at the Cabaret Bar, Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh, 13-Aug-15 at 1310

A pretty decent start to a long day, this was a variety gig compèred by Danny Ward and featuring four comedians - Pierre Hollins, Sally Anne Hayward, a young hairy chap whose name I didn't catch and Angela Barnes. All, including the host, have their own Fringe shows. And I would quite happily watch full shows from all of these five - I'm guessing these were cut-down versions of their full gigs and all were very funny and talented, including some blues 'n' rock from Mr. Hollins.

As (almost) ever the girls edged it for me (it was helped that Ms. Barnes was the only one I vaguely recognised) but it was all good fun. Not really much more to say than that as none of the routines really smacked me in the mouth (though Ms. Barnes' Oral B joke was excellent) but very enjoyable. As I said, good way to start a busy Fringe day.

Point Of Information - all the venues have lists of their gigs outside as well as black-boards listing any schedule changes, additions/cancellations and the line-ups of these assorted compilation shows. So if you were the spontaneous type (I am, though I do plan my spontaneity for well-defined timeslots and am ruthless about the start and stop times) you could rock up, see who's playing and just buy a ticket. Pretty alien concept to me really but I hear it's a popular methodology with the youth ...

Fringe Binge 2015 show #8 - The Free Association at Upstairs, Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh, 12-Aug-15 at 2300

This was a late addition to my itinerary, only added in the morning as I saw Aisling Bea was tonight's (the opening night) special guest. The Free Association is a London-based improv theatre-group and workshop, which would normally compel me to hate them, but they were very funny.

The format was Aisling would do a bit of stand-up based on random words the audience threw out, then the group would improvise a series of sketches based on what she said. The first one fell a little flat but everyone got into the swing of things and the whole gig sailed effortlessly by. Full disclosure - I was flagging quite a bit by this point and may not have been giving proceedings my full laser-like focus.

I was also somewhat distracted by Ms. Bea, the third woman I fell in love with that day (hey, can't I just have them all, like Pokemon?). I'll be seeing her solo show later but it was great to see her so close and confirm how sharp and funny she is. Very small, and a bit boney too it has to be said. But fab.

A good way to end the day. The Free Association were all very talented funny people, but I was focused rather more on the wee special guest star.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #7 - Nina Conti: In Your Face at Pleasance One, Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh, 12-Aug-15 at 2100

Second woman I fell in love with today was, of course, Ms. Conti. I have been championing Ms. Conti on these 'ere virtual pages for years so it was great to finally see her in the (glorious) flesh.

I decided to sit in the second row this time (smart move). For those who don't know, Nina is a ventriloquist (among other things) - the story of how she became one and her influences are well documented (not least in the absurdly touching BBC documentary "A Ventriloquist's Story: Her Master's Voice") and she's honed her act to perfection. This perfection was clearly on display tonight.

The only problem was it was effectively the same act she's been doing for a long time - if you've seen either of her "Live At The Apollo" stints you've seen the format of the show. Of course it's an improv show when she gets audience members up on stage, straps faces to them and uses them as life-sized dummies so the contents are very different (she got two women up - from the front row - and a whole family from the rear of the theatre) - and the show was absolutely hilarious. Just the format could do with a bit of a shake up s'all.

And then she did something wonderful right at the end which made me fall for her all over again.

Ah, Nina. One day you will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine ...

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #6 - Dillie Keane at Udderbelly, Underbelly George Square, Edinburgh, 12-Aug-15 at 1805

Ms. Keane is formerly of the troupe Fascinating Aida. If you don't know who they are it's worth checking them out on YouTube - splendid musicians and very witty songsmiths.

This show was just Ms. Keane and a pianist (though she played herself for a few of the songs) and absolutely splendid it was too. The crowd certainly skewed older and you can see why, but that didn't make the brilliant songs and her voice any less engaging or relevant.

There was a theme running through the whole show - love and ageing. I'm familiar with at least one of them. Lots of pertinent, sometimes harsh, observations about life, loss, dating and ageing mixed in with lashings of innuendo and occasional outright smut, wrapped up in a true Noel Coward music-hall style, but all really coming back to love.

Pertinent and emotional. Her penultimate song, "Love Late" was introduced with her tale of finding love when she had accepted finally it was never going to happen - when she was 47 in 1999. Hope for me yet then.

Excellent entertainment and a thoroughly enjoyable change of pace and class.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #5 - Tiff Stevenson: Mad Man at Stand 6, The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, 12-Aug-15 at 1605

Ms. Stevenson has been around for a while but not really broken through yet like some of her peers. So this was quite a small cosy gig and I sat up front (as I like to do when I can at comedy gigs).

So, obviously, I fell in love with her (the first of several that day). Smart, clever, engaging, self-deprecating, pretty - what's not to like?

Shame she spent about a third of her set banging on about America (specifically racism and gun-control). Now, it's just me I know, and if a comic feels strongly about something then why not plunder it for material? It's just nothing they say or do will change a country they have zero influence or say over - perhaps focus more on UK and EU issues which, y'know, allegedly, you still have some vague involvement with. Just sayin' ...

Anyway the rest was all good and she finished strongly with a stirring celebration of women and femininity - which largely involved shouting "Vagina House! Vagina House!" at me over and over again (it was a routine about menstruation - she was trying to embarrass me as part of her routine; I resisted the urge to say I was getting the weirdest boner).

Worth checking out and good fun. And she gave me a promotional tampon at the end (picture below) which I'm not entirely sure what to do with it and not convinced it will help change the VAT policy on sanitary products. But I think it means we're engaged now so that's nice.

I told you she gave me a tampon ...

... and I tweeted her about the show and to thank her. Being a good sport she replied!

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #4 - Stewart Lee: A Room With A Stew at the Music Hall, The Assembly Rooms, Edinburgh, 12-Aug-15 at 1415

Comedy fans will need no introduction to Stewart Lee. Over the last couple of decades he's garnered something of a reputation as, how to put this, not really a people person. His recent excellent "Comedy Vehicle" shows on the BBC haven't done much to rehabilitate that opinion.

So I was a little apprehensive going in. He started the show by explaining this was a work-in-progress for his television show, and would be in two half-hour halves to rehearse material for two half-hour television shows. The first half would be about wealth and inequality; the second half about Islam and islamaphobia. My heart sank.

I needn't have worried. The next hour was excellent and very clever, all with an air of critical self-awareness and outright hostility to a large populist festival crowd (which is funnier than it sounds).

Lots of good routines (especially his reaction to losing out to Graham Norton at the BAFTAs, and why he was doing "kids say the funniest things" BBC panel-show material at his age) and incredible timing - just when you thought he'd taken something as far as it could go he took it further. Even his obligatory Islam bit was nicely done. Bonus points for using the phrase "Brechtian analysis".

All in all I really enjoyed it. A good start to Day 2 ...

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #3 - Lili La Scala: Another Fucking Variety Show at the Queen Dome, Pleasance Dome, Edinburgh, 11-Aug-15 at 2300

My first random punt of the Fringe and it was a cracker. As the title suggests this is a variety show and there were seven acts in addition to the wonderful Ms La Scala.

First off Lili La Scala was superb. A veritable saucy hostess with the mostest she was both a great comedy presence and one hell of a performer (she belted out tunes throughout the show as well as changing frocks four times - though the first, a split-thigh off-the shoulder iridescent green number with fabulous glittery black heels - was the best).

The acts started badly with a drag-queen Aussie which was just dull, but then rapidly improved with a brilliant English/German singer (Markee De Saw) a burlesque act (Lady Wildflower - fab name, fab tattoos), a Canadian comic (a good one - John Hastings), a strip show with a novel and funny climax (Gypsy Charms - she paid affectionate tribute to Glasgow's Pubic Triangle; several of us in the audience knowingly smiled warmly); a sword swallower chap (bit dull I thought); the frankly wonderful Christina Bianco (who does musical impressions that are just staggeringly good - what a voice for one so wee); and then ending up with JESUS HIMSELF (@JesusLoreal - aka Christ On A Bike) doing a dance and strip to Flashdance.

Thoroughly good fun. Throughout it all though was the magnificent Lili. She fab, though did spoil it slightly for me by mentioning her husband and two year-old son (there goes that fantasy). But what a mucky-minded stage presence with a fantastic pair ... of lungs.

Splendid entertainment (apart from the drag queen at the start).

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #2 - Ed Byrne: Outside Looking In at the Debating Hall, The Gilded Balloon, Edinburgh, 11-Aug-15 at 2100

Much more like it after the relative disappointment of Hardeep. Brilliant show, very very funny and full of great observational humour (and a smashing wee touching zinger at the end).

Okay, yes, I know some of you are not fans of Wee Ed. But I am. Some genuine belly laughs from your fearless reporter and his companion. Highlights included: still trying to impress young, attractive girls; how this impacted his ability to speak with his doctor about his chronic diarrhoea; the look of horror on other patrons faces when he took his toddlers into Costa Coffee (no idea why that one struck a chord); ostentatious breast-feeding; promiscuity and insane double-standards sexism; buying his son girls' trainers and the reaction in his son's nursery. There was also an excellent audience participation bit about knowing when a date went horribly wrong with the guy behind me who clearly hadn't thought his anecdote through, which Ed graciously accepted and let slide (ummm ...).

Finally I learned there is a children's book called "The Dinosaur That Pooped A Planet" which I MUST READ NOW.

Splendid gig.

Fringe Binge 2015 Show #1 - Hardeep Singh Kohli: Big Mouth Strikes Again at Ace Dome, The Pleasance Dome, Edinburgh, 11-Aug-15 at 1720

I was disappointed in Hardeep's new show "Big Mouth Strikes Again". Not that he isn't a fabulous raconteur or strong presence or clever and witty - he is - but that the show just didn't really engage me. Didn't flow as well as last year's one ("Hardeep Is Your Love" - which had lots of poignant moments in among the comedy) and far too much of his shtick seemed very familiar now.

On the plus side he recognised me again, I got a nice mention in the show and we shook hands and had a brief catch up afterwards before he headed off for whizzy fab showbizzy things. I lied and told him it was great. Would still recommend you go and see him - just an oddly downbeat start to the festival for me.

Bumped into an old pal in the queue which was rather nice indeed.