Toucha toucha toucha touch me

So this is annoying me now.

Okay, it's the Guardian. And like the Morning Star, Mail or the Sport we have to realise there's an editorial stance and enforced philosophy and in the marketplace of ideas that's fine. But this is the most Guardian-like article I've read in a long time, and I go out of my way to avoid Guardian articles. I've often posted here about my Mikey-bot ongoing software project - simulating me on Facebook and the sort of posts I tend to make. This one reads very much like Guardian-bot.

As ever the author makes the standard urban elitist mistake of mistaking "things her wine-bar chums say" for facts and research, the bubble-dwelling echo chamber in full effect, then dresses it up with all sorts of PC adjectives and right-on inclusiveness. And, as ever, the author will remain clueless as to why so many "online trolls" are pointing and laughing at her - doubtless her wine-bar chums will all nod and sympathise and exclaim, "Darling! You are SO right! Those troglodytes are probably 'northerners' or, worse, Scots, and they KNOW NOTHING ABOUT OUR STRUGGLE! More Chardonnay?"

I have absolutely zero issue with women shouting about sexual pleasure. Indeed, I think sexual pleasure for both sexes, while being somewhat over-rated, is quite the important issue. And in a world where stone-age barbarianism seems to be on the rise it's pretty important to not sweep things like this under the carpet lest we "offend" someone. But really, the anecdotes about online porn and the sweeping conclusions reached therein would be embarrassing for a 2nd year schoolkid, let alone someone who is allegedly a functioning adult. Again, yes, the sexualisation of our society, ubiquitous online pornography and the wild, sometimes crazy and definitely out-of-proportion reaction to it, are issues worthy of some debate. But not by articles like this ...

I would, of course, preface all this by pointing out I am in no way (provable by science and maths) an expert in "female sexual pleasure" and am as guilty as the next man in looking at his own failures, quietly ignoring them and sweeping them under the carpet while locking them in a small tight box and burying the key. So actually talking to one's partner seems like quite a decent idea. If you have a partner. But I'm British dammit, and we didn't build a globe-straddling Empire by talking about our "feelings" ...

Why Women Need To Shout About Sexual Pleasure

A short play

Drunk Woman In Bar: It's been HOW LONG since you worked??
Me: *mumbles*
DWIB: So you're on benefits then? I'm paying for you to sit here drinking?
Me: *angry* FUCK OFF. I'm not claiming anything. I'm self-employed. I choose not to give myself much work.
DWIB: You know your problem?
Me: Enlighten me.
DWIB: You've lost self-confidence. You've lost self-belief.
Me: Well, I think that's a little ....
DWIB: You have a girlfriend or wife? Ex-wife? Kids?
Me: No
DWIB: So what's wrong with you then?
Me: Err, just a bit quiet ... I guess ... not met the right girl at the right time or something.
DWIB: Sure
*time passes*
DWIB: We'll go to your house.
Me: Okay
*time passes*
DWIB: You don't have any furniture?
Me: Well, umm, I have some. I have a chair and a table ... and a big telly and surround sound.
DWIB: Do you have a hoover?
Me: Yes.
DWIB: You ever used it?
Me: Yes. Okay, a few months ago.
DWIB: You got any booze? I could use a drink.
Me: No. I try not to have booze in the house.
DWIB: You an alcoholic?
Me: No. Well, maybe. Look, I just prefer not to have booze in the house right now.
DWIB: Fine. I need a pee. Where's your loo?
Me: Upstairs is the posh one. Downstairs is the common one.
*she goes upstairs*
DWIB: That bathroom is FUCKING DISGUSTING.
Me: Ummm ...
DWIB: There's no excuse for that.
*time passes*
DWIB: You have a SINGLE bed?
Me: Errr, yes.
DWIB: You're 46 and you sleep in a SINGLE bed??
Me: Ummm, yeah.
DWIB: Have you not found that a problem in your dating life?
Me: No. Not until right now, no I haven't.
DWIB: Jesus ...