Celtic Connections

"Hey Mikey!"
"D00d! Wassup!"
"You know how you keep buying tickets to things and not going?"
"Ummm ... yeah. Well, unfair. I went to (nearly) all the Fringe shows I booked. And, yeah, I missed Texas in April but I did okay last year."
"Hmmm, yeah, anyway. Celtic Connections and your LGBT (Lindi Great British Tour) proposal - last fortnight or so in January?"
"Yep, good plan I think. Hopefully the weather will play fair."
"You ACTUALLY going to do this? Really?"
"Well, yeah. Okay, the Lindi thing is just me being a little silly. But Celtic Connections has been running in Glasgow for years and I've never gone. A cheeky wee week down the road, some ales and good food, a load of really good concerts ... yeah, I could do that."
"But you'll be on your own. And you got bored of your own company real quick in Edinburgh."
"Well, I don't know if I'll be on my own. Triumph of hope over experience and all that - I might have a pal by then who would bum about with me for a couple of weeks. Maybe. A lot can happen between now and then - three months or so 'til Lindi hits Galway. And at least in Galway there's a better than evens chance I might meet up with a pal or two ..."
"Well, just so you know. You just spunked a shitload of money you're rapidly running out of on a ton of tickets and the most likely scenario I can see is you sitting alone in front of your monitor getting fatter eating Pot Noodle and crying into cheap wine from Asda ..."
"I know. I know. But in my head there's Nice Mike. Nice Mike would go to these gigs and enjoy them. He would have friends. He would take a girlfriend if he had one but being popular he would have no problem sharing the endless spare tickets among his friends if a potential Mrs. Donnelly wasn't around. Nice Mike wants to be that guy who does cool things like this. Nice Mike turned up a couple of times in Edinburgh and it was good. Shite Mike is the one holding him back. Shite Mike will talk him into not going and just drinking and sitting in front of a screen. Shite Mike hates Nice Mike, because Nice Mike is everything Shite Mike wants to be.

"Jesus! I was just asking ... Didn't need a fucking psychoanalysis ..."

A play for Hallowe'en

Earnest Woman in Bar (EWB, played by Kate Winslet): I disagreed with the architecture play. That's not what I've implemented. But overall I thought it was okay. Did I come across as a bitch? I came across as a bitch didn't I? I came across as a bitch.
Mikey (M, played by Colin Firth): Ummm, no. Not to me. I enjoyed it actually. Well, the bits I understood. You're the expert. It all seemed splendid to me. Some good ideas ...
EWB: *grasps Mikey's hand* How are you really Mikey?
M: Ummm, what? I'm fine. Thanks.
EWB: *looks intently* *holds hand*
M: I'm fine! I'm fine. I'm fine. No really. I can see what you're trying to do and no, it won't work. But I'm fine and I thank you for asking but can we get back to cloud scalability?
EWB: *looks intently* *holds hand* Uh huh ...
M: Look, this is quite enough now and you should stop it. I'm fine. I've told you I'm fine and that's the end of it. There is nothing further to say. I'm fine.
EWB: *looks intently* *holds hand* Uh huh ...
M: Fine, look, yes I feel like all I've done for the last couple of years is bury parents and I'm tired of that. Really tired. I've been swinging around emotonally and physically and I go to bed at night and wish I don't wake up. BUT I DO. I'm a terrible son, an awful Uncle and as for being a brother, well, when my bro actually needed some help I ran a mile and let others pick up the slack. I've fucked up every relationship and career I've ever had. I'm weak and drunk and pathetic and, frankly, wish I was dead.
EWB: *slowly unclasps hand* Ummm, that's okay. I guess. I was just asking about your legs and the operation you had earlier in the year ...
M: OH THAT? That ... yes, of course. That. The legs are fine. Fine. Never been better. Oh, some tales to tell. Some war wounds. A scar or two. Didn't you read my blog?
EWB: *stands up* *backs away* No. No I didnt. I'm going to go now. Was a pleasure as always Mikey ...
M: *smiles* Sleep well m'dear. Busy day tomorrow. We have to redefine IT or something!
EWB: Yeah. Ha ha. Good night.
M: Good night.
M: *is alone*
M: *whsipers quietly* Good night my love.
M: *stares at bar* *stares for a long time*
M: *cheerily* *loudly* Barman! A large one for the road if you please. And one for yourself if you would be so kind ...
Barman: *quietly leans over from out of frame* You don't need her Mr. D. This is what you need ... *pours a large brandy*
M: Why thank you Sir! *knocks drink back* I must apologise, I've forgotten your name.
B: Yes, that happens. You know my name. Here, have another ...

"The Martian" - Glasgow Showcase, 19-Oct-15, 1100 showing

I love Ridley Scott. I have grown up with his films. Along with James Cameron, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg he is one of the most influential movie directors there is in my life.

Go through his filmography for yourself (okay, we'll miss out the stinkers, of which there are many).

Fast forward to now - the only question that matters, "Is this film any good?"

And my answer is, sadly, "Meh"

Based on the book of the same name by Andy Weir (look up how it came about) the movie tells the story of an astronaut marooned on Mars, his struggles to stay alive and contact Earth and his crew-mates, and the various struggles to decide the best course of action.

It's Ridley Scott so we'll get the obvious out of the way - it looks spectacular, sounds spectacular, casting and acting is first-rate and the whole thing has a sleek and precise feeling (some wonderful mise-en-scene on display) - carefully crafted with nothing happening without a reason. The complete antithesis of Prometheus in some ways for example, or Gods And Kings. Or the godawful Counselor (to name recent examples).

And astronaut/space/engineering/science stories are usually catnip to me. Show me a space-launch on film and I'll weep like a new-born (you should see me watching a real one). Show me intense men and women locked in a room with an intense manager saying "failure is not an option" intensely and I'll crumble at the knees. Show me a whiteboard session where an engineer desperately tries to dumb the message down to a level that the "suits in Washington" (i.e. the audience) might understand it and I'll openly weep.

For the first-half or so this film is brilliant. A wonderful affirmation of the can-do attitude and eyes-wide-open wonder at "sciencing the shit" out of something that only hard work, applicationn, engineering and the purity and indivisibility of maths can give. It's stunning ...

And then ... it loses its way. Action movie beats come in. The setbacks and challenges come as signposted. The hero moments arrive. And while ***SPOILERS*** it ends positively the outcome is never really in doubt - it would be a brave movie indeed (which won't happen at this budget level) which dares to buck the narrative setup.

Which means, for me, it became less engaging. When it came to the big climax I had kinda lost engagement. I mean, it's still very well done but the ending was done better in "Gravity" and the big emotional pay-off never happened. There's a neat coda, which brings "closure" and the "message" (just in case Joe Average from Dipshit, Idaho, hadn't got it) and the end-title sequence gives all the players a name-check which will have you going, "oh, so THAT'S who that was ...".

***SPOILERS*** Sean Bean doesn't die. Though there's a rather shoe-horned Lord Of The Rings reference which goes on slightly too long ...

A game of two halves then.

Look, it's better than 95% of the dross in Multiplexes. You should see it because it's about science and engineering and the triumph of humanity and there are damn few movies these days which promote that. It looks fabulous - really, you should see it on a big big screen 'cause those Martian landscapes look brilliant. Set design is impeccable, as you would expect. The effects are seamless. The performances are all solid - Matt Damon does most of the heavy-lifting but everyone else does their part too.

It's a good film. It SO TOTALLY SHOULD be a five-star, knocked-out-the-park, winning-kick-in-the-world-cup, Sir-Ridey-of-Scott masterpiece.

But it isn't.

Bawbag

Karen Gillan: *sigh* So, fine. What do you want me to do?
Mikey: Just look in the camera and focus ...
K: Right
M: Look beyond the camera, See beyond the lens ...
K: I'M A FUCKING ACTRESS. I know how to address a camera.
M: Right. Right. And say, ummm, "Mikey, you're a bawbag" then hold for a couple of seconds. And if you can make that scoldy pouting face you do that would be ...
K: My WHAT FACE? My scoldy pouting face? Mikey, that face got me a couple of BAFTAs and several Hollywood contracts. "Raggedy man" and all that shit?
M: Which is why I want you to make that face when you swear.
K: But, why? Exactly. I mean, I've read short scripts before. This one ... it's basically wank material for you, yeah?
M: Well, yeah. Kinda.
K: Uurgh! I mean, that's not nice Donnelly. Girls like to be on a podium, but not with sad sacks like you firing muck on their feet ...
M: But it won't be on your feet! It'll be on your face! NO! That's not quite how I meant it ...
K: You disgust me ...
M: I'm making a serious social meta-point here. I'm claiming "bawbag" back. It's empowering. I'm going to get lots of other female comics and actors to do it ...
K: YOU ARE WHAT??
M: Ahh, so you thought ...
K: So not only am I just wank material for you, but you're trying to get others to do it??
M: Ummm, yeah, kinda ...
K: *fumes quietly* Who?
M: Umm, Tiff Stevenson and Katherine Ryan? Bea? And Winslet, of course. She's up for anything ...
K: *fumes quietly*
M: *fiddles with lens*
K: So, my motivation yeah? I've to say "bawbag" into the camera better and more Scottish than Winslet or Stevenson or that Irish girl or that Canadian bitch you like, what's her name ... ?
M: No, you have to insult me personally. Anyone can say "bawbag". You need to make it your own and hurl it at me.
K: You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity.
M: No-one has called me "little" before. But I respect the Toy Story reference. Now, we rolling or what?
K: *sigh* Give me a minute ... okay, let's roll ... "Mikey, you're a FUCKING bawbag" ... *hold* *hold* *hold*
M: And cut! Lovely!
K: One-take Gillan! *they high-five* Uurgh, that hand has been *shudder* don't want to think about it. You're going to Vine that, yeah?
M: Yeah
K: We go for breakfast now, yeah?
M: Of course. I know this great place that does a proper full English. Hard to find here ...
K: That's a full SCOTTISH you arse, even if they don't do square sausage. But tell me more ...