Bawbag

Karen Gillan: *sigh* So, fine. What do you want me to do?
Mikey: Just look in the camera and focus ...
K: Right
M: Look beyond the camera, See beyond the lens ...
K: I'M A FUCKING ACTRESS. I know how to address a camera.
M: Right. Right. And say, ummm, "Mikey, you're a bawbag" then hold for a couple of seconds. And if you can make that scoldy pouting face you do that would be ...
K: My WHAT FACE? My scoldy pouting face? Mikey, that face got me a couple of BAFTAs and several Hollywood contracts. "Raggedy man" and all that shit?
M: Which is why I want you to make that face when you swear.
K: But, why? Exactly. I mean, I've read short scripts before. This one ... it's basically wank material for you, yeah?
M: Well, yeah. Kinda.
K: Uurgh! I mean, that's not nice Donnelly. Girls like to be on a podium, but not with sad sacks like you firing muck on their feet ...
M: But it won't be on your feet! It'll be on your face! NO! That's not quite how I meant it ...
K: You disgust me ...
M: I'm making a serious social meta-point here. I'm claiming "bawbag" back. It's empowering. I'm going to get lots of other female comics and actors to do it ...
K: YOU ARE WHAT??
M: Ahh, so you thought ...
K: So not only am I just wank material for you, but you're trying to get others to do it??
M: Ummm, yeah, kinda ...
K: *fumes quietly* Who?
M: Umm, Tiff Stevenson and Katherine Ryan? Bea? And Winslet, of course. She's up for anything ...
K: *fumes quietly*
M: *fiddles with lens*
K: So, my motivation yeah? I've to say "bawbag" into the camera better and more Scottish than Winslet or Stevenson or that Irish girl or that Canadian bitch you like, what's her name ... ?
M: No, you have to insult me personally. Anyone can say "bawbag". You need to make it your own and hurl it at me.
K: You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity.
M: No-one has called me "little" before. But I respect the Toy Story reference. Now, we rolling or what?
K: *sigh* Give me a minute ... okay, let's roll ... "Mikey, you're a FUCKING bawbag" ... *hold* *hold* *hold*
M: And cut! Lovely!
K: One-take Gillan! *they high-five* Uurgh, that hand has been *shudder* don't want to think about it. You're going to Vine that, yeah?
M: Yeah
K: We go for breakfast now, yeah?
M: Of course. I know this great place that does a proper full English. Hard to find here ...
K: That's a full SCOTTISH you arse, even if they don't do square sausage. But tell me more ...